The Guy From Harlem

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. We have been graced with our first Blaxplotation film. This film is on the Drive-In Classics 50 Movie Pack. Blaxploitation is a genre I never really cared much for. Generally it involves some hero trying to stop drugs, prostitution, or some other crime all being perpetrated by some criminal kingpin. Superfly is another movie that falls in this genre, that I absolutely love, in fact it's one of my favorite movies. It's an example of what this genre can be. However, it's rarely ever as good as Superfly, it usually features cheesy lines, poor fight scenes, and racism. I, however, am going to watch this film pretending I know nothing of this genre, and what it can be. So bring it on.

REVIEW:

So this was an interesting "movie". The reason I say "movie" like that, is because this doesn't feel like a movie. It feels like they took two episodes of a failed television show, strapped them together and called it a movie. The first half of the movie deals with Al Connor, our hero, protecting and banging a foreign queen (or princess, I'm not really sure. They said she was married to the leader of the country. Yet Al keeps calling her princess.) The second is him rescuing the daughter of a gang leader, who has been kidnapped by the rival gang leader. The main villain in this is Big Daddy, a white guy surprisingly. This movie is, unsurprisingly, very racially charged and stereotypical.

PROS:

Cheesy Movie-Making: Oh my god is there a lot of it. It's like the writer and cinematographer sat through a three day Blaxploitation convention then said, "Yeah, we could do that."However, that's all they knew about making movies or about that genre at all. All females in this movie are practically flinging themselves at Al. I understand that the hero is supposed to be some sexy guy who all women want. However, he's rather unattractive. After re-reading this it sounds like I was complaining, I wasn't. I love this, it makes the movie so hilarious.

Quite possibly the cheesiest action movie camera angle ever.

Soundtrack: Swanky 70's bass makes this soundtrack one of the best I've heard in a long time. The theme song for the movie is so sweet. It just make me laugh hearing it. However, for how cheap this movie looks and how cheesy the acting is, the soundtrack is extremely well done and high quality.

Set Design: This is another area where the film does things well. Though it could be argued, is there even a set design or is this just what things looked like in the 70s. And that tells you how good the set design was. This is a 70's period piece, and this film definitely feels like it. The set's are beautiful and colorful the way, I suspect, things were in the 70s.

 I want that wallpaper and the sheets.

 This is an office, with shag carpet. Oh, nice two-tones by the way.

  This a hotel room. Seriously? Look at that tile.

CONS:

"Movie": I've realized I find myself nit-picking a lot. I take quick notes while watching movies, so I can remember things to write here. Sometimes, I look at them and feel stupid for writing something so nit-picky. This is one of those times, however, I could find no other cons, so here it is. This isn't a movie, this is two episodes of a TV show strapped together. I mentioned this earlier, it's not that big of a deal, there are lots of movies that come from TV episodes being made longer and called a movie. However, the weird thing is, the first story takes place one day and ends the next morning. The second story begins that same morning. It REALLY feels like this was made to be a TV show but maybe that's just me.

 Spoiler Alert: This is how the first story ends.

 Spoiler Alert: This is how the second story ends.

FINAL SCORE:

8/10

I said prior I'm not the biggest fan of blaxploitation and this movie hasn't changed that. However, I will not say I didn't like this movie, that would be a lie. It's a great popcorn movie, for a weeknight before bed. It's a little long but, overall, a good movie. 

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War of the Robots

Woke up this morning excited to see what the movie of the day would be. After reading a bit about this film, it sounds like a similar film to Star Odyssey. It's an Italian cheap-o low-budget sci-fi film. I'm pretty excited to see this film. Star Odyssey was a fantastic movie, so I'm ready to see if this film can even come close to it's sheer awesomeness. This movie is found on the Sci-Fi Invasion Movie Pack. I'll be watching this movie immediately after posting this and dropping the review a little later after that.

Review:

This website is absolute crap, I reached the end of this review was posting the links and then it tried to auto-save and crashed Firefox. Upon restarting Firefox come to find out I can't start where I left off, so here I am again, in the same situation as yesterday. I'm gonna make this quick. Movie is like Star Odyssey, however, instead of being Italian Star Wars. War of the Robots is Italian Star Trek.

PROS:

Star Trek: I'm a big fan of Star Trek and therefore liked this movie very much, it's cool to see another countries take on such an interesting universe. This movie uses a simulacrum of each character, doesn't necessarily look the same but has a very similar personality and job.

Uhura's got a nice bowl going on there

I think he has an attraction to Syringes

  No homosexual tension here...

Budget Enemies: This is a technique used by many movies, make all you enemies look the same and you don't have to hire as many extras. In this movie, all the robotic enemies are some kind of yellow-skinned albino. And I doubt they hired more than 10 extras to play them all.

Poop-Face

Lightsabers: The only noticeable thing this movie borrowed from Star Wars is Lightsabers. However, it uses Star Odyssey lightsabers (a.k.a. Glowsticks attached to a hilt.) The robots are the ones who use the swords, occasionally, but they fight so horribly with them it's embarassing.

Ow! That glow-stick hurts!

CONS:

Romantic Choice: Ok this is sort of Nit-Picky, but oh well. Kirk chose some sexually-confused spikey haired blonde girl, over the smoking hot fire-crotch MILF, SRSLY?!??!?!!?!?!?!?!??! Come on, they obviously don't know William Shatner that well. Who cares if the Fire Crotch is evil? If she's evil, then evil can't be that bad.

Ew! Penises are nasty!

SRSLY???!!??!?!?

FINAL SCORE:

7/10

Sorry this review is kind of bland, having to write this twice really pissed me off. However, this movie was fun and good for a quick watch. Nice to see another countries take on Star Trek, or any big name franchise for that matter.

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The House By The Cemetery

Well this, right off the bat, seems to be a great welcome back movie. Directed by the great Lucio Fulci. This film is on the Pure Terror 50 Movie Pack, From what I read, this film is about a family who moves into a house that has a psycho in the basement. At least that's what I gathered so far. Pretty excited, I love Fulci and I love Italian Horror films. In general Italy has some of the best horror movies I've ever seen. Anywho, review should be up in a couple hours after I finish the movie.

IMDb: The House by the Cemetery 

Review:

This is my second time writing this review, the first time Firefox went tits up. For some reason it wouldn't let me revert to that draft I had prior, but whatever. I liked this movie it had a lot of good in it, coupled with some bad (mostly nit-picks).However, the biggest mistake was quite possibly the biggest Film faux pas ever. So let's hop to it!

PROS:

Oh So Much Gore!: I don't even know what to say here, the gore is fantastic. Throat Ripping, Knife through Head, Throat Slicing, Be-Heading Bleeding Mannequins (?). It's absolutely beautiful, in a gruesome terrible kind of way.

 

Throat Slicing

 Knife Through Head

 Throat Ripping

 I know, this just looks like bad special effects, but I assure you, that was a mannequin.

Dr. Freudstein's A BOSS: I mean, not only does he have like the coolest costume ever (come on he looks like a member of Slipknot) but he rips peoples throats out. On a scale of 1 to Badass, I would say Throat Ripping would come in at Badass on the scale. Let's get the obvious out of the way, a mash between Sigmund Freud and Frankenstein, at least name-wise. All I can say is that he looks like a massive badass.

 I take my prior comment back, he looks cooler than the members of Slipknot.

CONS:

Dub: The first time I did this I wrote a really long thing here, this time I will give the abridged version. Kids shouldn't be called Bob, at least not constantly. Don't run around your house yelling Bob when looking for your son, all I can think of is some sweaty fat guy jumping out. Bob just isn't a fitting name to call your kid here's some better names: Kid, Bobby, Son, Robbie, Robby, Dobby, Shithead, Shitspawn, Devilchild. It's just seems so impersonal, like her son was a passing acquaintance, not a blood relative, let alone her son.

 Nice bowl cut Bob!

Deus Ex Machina: God from the Machine. Spoiler Alert (kinda). So the kid is trapped in a basement with Dr. Freudstein. He is absolutely screwed, his mother was trying to open a crack in a tomb door thing for them to get through. However, she was to weak. She is killed by Freudstein. So young Bob is still trying to get out through there when Freudstein grabs his leg and begins pulling him away. Are you ready for this... A litte girl, the ghost of Freudstein's Daughter, pulls the tomb open far enough and pulls Bob out, rescuing him. Deus Ex Machina, while used in several films and plays is still seen as a serious faux pas.

FINAL SCORE:

8/10

This movie was well done, however, it did have some slight issues. I really wish I could give this movie a 10. I just can't it has some flaws that just kind of detract from it's beauty. I would recommend this movie to everyone though whole-heartedly. Especially if you like gore.

Purchase "The House By The Cemetery":

Amazon: DVD & Blu-Ray

Oldies

 Pure Terror 50 Movie Pack

P.S. I just want to say that I really enjoyed watching this movie and writing this review, I'm happy to be back and hopefully I can stick it out for quite a while longer this time. I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.

-Dylan   

Apologies Are In Order

My sincerest apologies guys, for not posting for so long. This blog had actually began to feel like a job, an obligation. I didn't want it feeling that way. I love movies, I love writing, and I adore writing about movies. I wish I could have found a way to voice this earlier.

This blog is going to change substantially after this post. I will start posting again, I will continue with pretty much the same rules before. The only new addition will be:

If I'm not feeling it that day, I won't do one.

I don't feel like forcing myself to watch a movie. Like I said I love watching movies and forcing myself to watch them literally hurts me. However, you should expect to see the first new review in a little while.

Thanks guys for sticking around, I apologize for my absence, and I'm excited to watch some awesome movies.

-Dylan

Free Day: Silent Hill

Sigh, it seems like recently I've been rolling a lot of movies I've seen before. Today is far from an exception. I've seen Silent Hill at least 10 times, I even saw it in theatres. However, it does star Sean Bean (a.k.a. Boromir) and that's always a good thing. He's by far the best actor in the movie. So I'll probably watch it a little later on tonight so I can enjoy it in the dark. Hooray!

IMDb: Silent Hill

Review:

Hmm, this is a strange one. I quite like this film, however I hear most people bash it. It's not the best horror movie ever and it's not the best video game movie ever (Super Mario Bros. FTW!) It does occupy an interesting niche though, as far as I know, it's the only psychological horror game to be made into a movie. Though the movie goes for jump scares more than psychological horror, it definitely makes you wonder what you would do in a situation like that.

Pros:

The Stars: By "The Stars", I mean the family the movie focuses on. All the actors playing them do a fantastic job, Radha Mitchell, who plays Rose, gives a great performance. My main problem with her role, however, is that she becomes a superwoman, seemingly invincible. Sean Bean, probably the biggest name in the film, does good in the small role he is given. We don't see much of him which kind of blows, but I'm sure they had their reasons. Jodelle Ferland, who plays Sharon and Alessa, does a terrific job on both sides, as innocent and evil.

Special Effects: Some of the effects in this film seem a bit dated, however, some of them still seem pretty good. Nothing completely noteworthy, but all in all not half bad. The costume and makeup departments deserves a small round of applause for making the nurses pretty badass and also for doing Pyramid Head some justice. It seems more and more that he should just be abandoned. He's pretty much been washed up since the first game. Nonetheless his appearance in this film is kept brief and violent. How it should be.

Cons:

Plot: The first time watching this movie, the plot was a little difficult to follow. It seems a little bipolar. Daughter goes crazy, end up in evil town, go into alternate universe, meet the wacky cult, and then last but not least have a confusing ending. You MUST see this film again. The second time it will make much much more sense.

Fuck That Bitch: Ok, I'm a reasonable guy. If I adopted a daughter and took her home, loved her, and cared for her. Then she started sleep-walking and talking about some creepy Silent Hill shit. I'd take right back to the fucking orphanage and I would literally say, "This one's defective, can I have another." No matter how much I loved her, that shit's crazy. Sean Bean is the one I side with in this film, it's against all logic to take the daughter to Silent Hill. It's extremely dangerous and you know it's a fucking ghost town. This shit's bananas.

FINAL SCORE:

8/10

I like this film, I like the subject matter, I like the direction, I like the acting, I like the story, and I love Sean Bean. That's how I feel, if you feel differently feel free to argue your point. I'd like to hear it. 

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Ring of Terror

Hey guys, how's it going? Just rolled this movie, which I've seen before. Ring of Terror is on the Nightmare Worlds 50 Movie Pack. It's also one of the many MST3k episodes on Netflix that I've seen. So, for obvious reasons, I'll be watching that version of the film. MST3k is one of my favorite shows and Ring of Terror is one of my favorite episodes. I'll be watching that a little later tonight, and I'll get back to you guys shortly thereafter.

IMDb: Ring of Terror

Review:

Ring of Terror, complete. This movie is about a fearless sociopath who wants into a fraternity or something, idk. The plot is flimsy as hell and comes and goes throughout the whole film. I'm so glad I watched the MST3k version. I couldn't imagine watching this movie without a little good-intentioned humor to help it along. The movie is short, yet still feels like it's dragging. However, it's one of those 'so bad it's good movies'. The elderly teenagers and other things help make it a watchable film. Like I said, I'd hate to watch it without Joel and the Bots.

Pros:

Puma: Puma? Puma? Puuuuumaaaaa? Oh, Puma??? Where are you Puma? PUUUUUUUUUUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?????!?!?!? PUMA?!?!?!? Best scene evar. This is a classic MST3k line. This is one of the funniest things in this movie and, sadly enough, one of the only good things.

The Student Body: The medical school they attend could just as easily be a nursing home. All of the actors are in their 40s or early 50s. However, the character's they're portraying are supposed to be in their 20s. Lewis Moffit, the main character, is supposed to be 22. However, the actor portraying him was 42 at the time of filming. That's quite a large of age gap and it definitely shows in the movie.

Cons:

Sociopathic Tendencies: Lewis Moffit, is unafraid of anything, except..... the fucking dark?!? He'll bite the heads off bats, swim in acid, rape a dead body and then go eat dinner. If you turn out the lights, however, he'll turn to a tub of goo and die. This is flimsy at best. Lewis Moffit is either insane, sociopathic, or just plain stupid. And personally I'm banking on the third one.

Lame Ending: An ending is where a movie must make a mark, this is the part of the movie I'm going to remember best. This film seems to just fall flat on it's face. I'm not going to spoil it, all I will say is that it was REALLY stupid. It's just like jaw-droppingly dumb, I sat there for like 30 seconds trying to figure out if it was a joke. It wasn't.

FINAL SCORE:

6/10

PUUUUUUUUUUMAAAAAAA??!?!??! Puma might be the only reason this film deserves over a 3. This movie is pretty hilarious and would probably be really fun to watch if you were really drunk. It would probably make a lot more sense if you were dunk too. 

Note - No photos in this review since I didn't actually watch the DVD of it. Don't think I'm getting rid of images forever. They should be in the next review ;).

Purchase "The Ring of Terror":

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Nightmare Worlds 50 Movie Pack

 

MST3k Version

Hercules and the Captive Women

Sorry about not posting earlier guys, it's been kind of a busy day. In a hurry at the moment so I'm going to make this quick. 1961 Peplum film starring Reg Park. It's featured on the Warriors 50 Movie Pack. Going to review it a little later tonight. Thanks guys for reading!

IMDb: Hercules and the Captive Women

Review:

Oh peplum. This is one of the most beautiful and cheesy genres to ever exist. For those who don't know what peplum is: Peplum- Mostly Italian, Sword and Sandal films generally dealing with a Historical or Biblical topic. One of the most popular topics for these films was Hercules. This film obviously falls into this category.

Pros:

Peplum: Peplum is one of my favorite genres of film. I could watch peplum films from sunrise to sundown everyday and I would be just fine with that. This film uses some of the best cliches of the genre. This is by far the biggest pro for me in this movie. I love this cheese, and this film delivers by the boatload.

Brainless Strongman?

Check. 

Evil Queen?

Check.

Damsel in Distress?

Check. 

Huge bad-looking monster suit?

 Check. 

ATROCIOUS dance scene?

Oh Hell Yes!

Set Design: One great thing about this movie is the set design. It's exceptional, it's spacious, and it's believable. I really enjoyed the sets in this film. A lot of peplum films were about Roman and Greek heros. The reason for this? Most of these movies were made in Italy, so they could easily film on location without traveling halfway across the world. Little to no sets needed. Just use monuments from that bygone era.

Cons:

Reg Park: My one complaint, Reg Park. He's boring, he's rather ugly, and he's rather stupid. See the picture above if you don't believe me. Steve Reeves, Gordon Scott, Mark Forest, and Alan Steel were all better Hercules than Reg Park. 

FINAL SCORE:

8/10

I'm highly biased. I am in love with peplum films. No matter how bad this film is, I still love it. There's no doubt about it. 8 of 10 is actually limiting myself. I'd really prefer to give it a 9. However, there are some serious laughable flaws in this film. So I minimalized.

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